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Losing Yourself To Find Your Own Self

“I had no clue which path was made for me to embark on so I followed the one where majority was headed.”

When asked as a kid what I want to be when I grew up, I would enthusiastically say “a teacher!”. It seemed like a relatively easy decision. Being a kid, I thought teachers were the superhumans who possess an infinite amount of knowledge. I wanted to corrupt the mind of the young ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) make science fun for the kids. I would collect all my stuff toys and teach them things that I learned in school or what I would read in Naunehals (a children’s magazine by Hamdard Pakistan). I used to hold imaginary conversations with them in the hopes to be included in that holy circle of teachers one day. But I lost the will to become one as I saw them being mistreated by my classmates. I could never be as patient as the teachers I used to look up to.

Some years later, I discovered ebooks by accident when I downloaded a file named “Mediator” on my PC thinking it was a mobile game. It rekindled my love of reading as I could read books on my mobile phone even at night! Being the knucklehead that I was, I decided to keep it a secret. Kind of like my own personal hideout (it felt like a cool decision at the time but when I try to explain it now people start looking at me suspiciously *stop doing that*). So reading became my safe haven for a long time. I would read all night long dimming the brightness of my phone until the text was almost incomprehensible to read and would still go to school next day in a zombie mode.

I don’t need sleep I need answers!

Well, I managed to not utter a word to a soul about it for two whole years. Kind of proud of the that now. But back then it was crazy at times how fast I would close the book whenever anyone would come within the sight of my cell phone.

I impersonated as a baker, a time-traveller, a hacker, an astrophysicist, an assassin, a software engineer or even as an alien with a knack of fixing machines (imagine Wall-E picking up trash and making something useful out of it). There were so many options to choose from that I would start hyperventilating at times.

Do you ever just want to travel back in time just to… repeatedly smack yourself with a brick?

A few years after this, when asked the dreaded question, I would say “a doctor” while looking people dead in the eyes. I was the topper of my school and my parents wanted me to choose the filed of medical as it is considered the epitome of success but it turns out that being a topper doesn’t give you wings (puntended). Much to my parent’s disappointment- I wasn’t accepted into any medical school. I counted myself as a sore loser for a long time for that. I wasn’t the “golden” kid everyone appreciated anymore.

Eventually,  got myself admitted into Chemistry B. S program and in English Literature B. A. at the University of Karachi.
I chose the former one, because, uh, you know, science. *cue parents nod of approval*

I’m sorry I know this article contains precisely zero information regarding finding your life purpose. I’m still as doubtful about my decision as I ever was and constantly feel like I’m running around in circle- peering over the edge not fully immersing myself into anything. Not sticking with any decision and afraid to commit to a single thing. The fear of labelling myself is real but I’m finding that I like writing more than I thought that I would. I’m just starting out and it feels like I’m discovering more about myself the more I write. Things that I never used to ponder upon are now piquing my interest.

So I think this is the point I want to make here if you’re sure about your life choices than it’s great! Trust me when I say I’m jealous of you! But if you’re just exploring your options like I am at the moment then, I think eventually we might end up somewhere too. *hopes* A line that I randomly wrote and want to share here is:

Your stars will start aligning in a strange constellation. You have to dare to go over the ledge and fall headfirst towards the unknown.

Now if I was to asked what I want to become as I grow up – I would casually change the subject to whether adding pineapples over pizza is why aliens have not contacted us yet and you wouldn’t even blink an eye on the weirdness of the question.

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