That Inner Voice Of Self Deprecation4 min read
It was a dark, starless night when a girl just sat there, looking numbly at the blinking cursor, overthinking every past mistake, of every time she didn’t fulfill her promise, of how close she was to failing herself.
“This time it will be different,” she murmured to a seemingly empty room.
Suddenly her phone beeped, reminding her of the oncoming deadlines. She ignored the phone. She tuned out everything. Because this time she was serious. She has put all her energy into this task and she will not fail, not again. She wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere and this felt like her answer to that, she will make this her answer.
Everything was crystal clear in her head, all the motivation in this world was there.
But so were the inner monsters.
Constantly reminding her of all her failures, Of how every decision that she has made was wrong, Every embarrassment that has cost her of her self-respect. Forcing her to believe that however hard she tries, she will always be replaced and taken for granted in the end. She knew that she was being melodramatic and things were not as bleak as they seemed, that tomorrow even if things don’t work out the way she planned them. Everything will eventually turn out fine, But still, these voices kept ringing in her head that she’s:
Not good enough.
A talentless person.
“Stop it!” she cried loudly.
She has read stories about numerous people that were full of self-doubts, They all embraced their inner demons and turned out fine in the end, but some lost themselves too. Became their own foes. Destroyed themselves in the end. But in real world- there too, were people she knew who would silently fight their own monsters each day without letting other people know of their struggles, they would do so with a smile on their face and a sparkle in their eyes, no one could guess the inner battles they were going through, of how they constantly criticised their own work, judged their own selves, living in a constant turmoil that they’ll never be good at anything, the kind of people that lights up other people lives but remain hidden under a mask. Their real face never shown to the outside world.
She remembered how It started out as a tiny whisper that was easy to ignore and it grew as days passed and then one day it sat there, converted into a fully fledged, super hairy, aesthetically unpleasant monster that constantly outgrew every other thought. Leaving nothing but a terrible hunger to prove herself to the people.
Back in the room, She types out:
‘Stop. Giving. Into. These. Thoughts. It’s your mind for God sake! It should be working for you not against you!’
That’s the thing you see? There will always be darkness that brings out the worst in you but so there will be a light to chase out the darkness. There will always be hardships that forces you to look down upon yourself and thoughts like if only I did a certain task in a certain way then surely I would’ve been more acceptable. But what use are these kinds of thoughts if the sole reason for them to exist is to move you away from your goals? But they will always be there lurking in the back of your head. Constantly reminding you of your downfalls. Why not you use them to your advantage? If those monsters are going to exist, then they must be forced to help you, guide you, build you, and work in your favor. For if she did not learn how to tame them, They will engulf her. For the sake of her own life, she is going to learn to tame them. Become her own savior because most likely- no one will be there to challenge them except for her own self.
‘She gets up, Takes a deep breath, and start challenging them’
Determined, she hit publish, shuts down her computer and arise- for if they become rebellious again. She wants to will become strong enough to answer them back with a smile on her face and not fall apart in the process. Prove herself worthy of everything in her life. Stand firm against criticism. For the sake of her sanity. She will continue fighting them, one monster at a time.
It would not take a monster to destroy a monster—but light, light to drive out darkness.
-Sarah J. Mass
For those of you who are fighting within themselves, I hope you quit overthinking and seeing the goodness within everyone but you. You deserve to be happy too.
Mad hatter in a seemingly strange wonderland.